Containment

Isaac Asimov wrote the three laws of robotics:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey any orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law

I'm writing the three laws of nappy changing:

1. A nappy changer may not allow poo or wee to escape from the nappy area or, through inaction, allow baby to come into contact with poo or wee.
2. A nappy changer must keep baby happy during nappy changes, except where doing so would conflict with the First Law.
3. A nappy changer must protect itself from poo or wee as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

I identified this hierarchy of priorities during about 2.4 seconds this morning. I was in the middle of a precision nappy change, of which I already knew the nature but not the scale, and at a critical moment LB decided to perform an ice skating move known as a triple toe loop. Where he learnt this move is still a mystery to me. Anyway, he skillfully removed his right sock with his teeth whilst easily evading my desperate attempts to respect the first law, he then performed a perfect landing and planted his left foot in the middle of the offending substance. We made brief eye contact before both turning our attention to the, now toxic, left sock. He attempted to parry me with his right foot, but being much bigger and stronger I was able to avoid the parry and grab the left ankle while in mid-flight toward mouth. Sometimes it helps to be an 84Kg brute.

The third law was now lying shattered on the floor, and the second law was 0.5 sec away from going in the same direction. Fortunately at that precise moment, LB lost all interest in his left sock and became fixated on the piece of wood his mobile is suspended from. This gave me the window I needed to neutralise the threat and return the world to its correct order. I first identified all of the containment failures - some of which might just have been bits of soggy weetabix, but better safe than sorry - and brought up a new containment shield (nappy) . Finally I cleaned the parts of me which were offending both the third law and my nose.

My adult brain sometimes wants to rebel and rearrange the three laws of nappy changing, but of course I have no choice. After all, I'm just an adult - I'm here to serve.